I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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