Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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