I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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