You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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