There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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