Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
A bitchslap is in order.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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