you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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