I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Success! We fucked roommates!
This can only be settled by a dance off.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
