I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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