I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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