you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
