I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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