Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
