haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
