So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
