I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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