it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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