I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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