My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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