I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
