awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
