So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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