how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
