The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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