i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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