I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
