Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
