my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
