sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Someone came in the potted fern
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
