My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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