Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
