Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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