worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
