We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
