Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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