Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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