The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
