So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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