I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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