I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You pole danced in your parka.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
