I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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