and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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