it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
