PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
