I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
