You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
