dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
