so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
