i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
