You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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