Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
They took my balls.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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